How To Not Be A Unicorn Hunter
How To Not Be A Unicorn Hunter
MFF D/s Threesomes For Bi/Pan Women
Art by Alpha Channeling
This piece originally appeared on the Ask A Sub Patreon in January of 2021. To gain access to the whole archive of nearly 200 posts and advice columns, join my Patreon here.
Hiii!
First of all, thank you so much for creating the memes that truly SEE me. I am so excited to join your Patreon and read more of your writings! I’m a Gemini moon and absolutely love how you articulate things!
I’m reaching out today because I’m bi/pan and my Daddy is a cis man. This is my first real long-term relationship, so navigating my bisexuality has been challenging 🥺 I also feel pretty disconnected to the community 🥺 We talked about having a threesome when COVID happened. My desire for playing with a woman is only getting stronger, but I have no idea how to make that dream (kinky threesome!!!!) a reality 🥺 Would you have any advice? Thank you thank you thank you!
PS u empowered me to use 🥺 as much as I want so extra TY!
Ahh this is so fun! Yay all Gemini placements and yay to figuring out who you are.
So let’s start here. When you are a queer woman in a relationship with a cis-man, you have heard all about unicorn hunting. In fact, you yourself have probably been unicorn hunted on the apps. So if you find yourself, for your own horny reasons, craving an MFF threesome, you might feel problematic, or like there’s no right way to do it.
You might have heard the narrative that MFF threesomes are oppressive and shitty, because they are just a way for a man to watch his girlfriend kiss another girl. And yes - that is a thing. But to reduce all MFF threesomes to this narrative is to erase the agency of the horny queer women who want to get fucked by their male partners and eat somebody out at the same time. Or the bi/pan women who want to go to town on somebody’s partner with an audience. We deserve representation too!!
To start, let’s talk about the features of unicorn hunting, and what makes it bad.
UNICORN HUNTERS ARE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE APPS
My rule of thumb for male/female couples looking for a woman to have a threesome with is that the male takes the lead on the apps. Why? Because if you’re a queer woman on an app and you match with another queer woman, then she immediately hits you with “by the way my boyfriend wants to watch,” you’re going to feel bait and switched. And pissed. And like your space isn’t for you anymore.
On the flip side, if you’re a woman looking for men and you match with a man you’re excited about and he offers you a threesome with his girlfriend, sure you may not necessarily be into it, but it’s less of a violation than the first scenario. Conversely, you might be super into it!
In a D/s context it also makes things clearer and easier when the Dom is the one making contact with what might be a new sub of theirs. Or, in the case that you’re trying to do a co-domination scene with another woman, it makes the most sense to me the the two Doms would collaborate about how that might work, then come to you for negotiation.
Since your Dom is a man, this fits right into my recommended mold in regards to gender and seeking thirds. If you shuffled the genders on this one -- Female Domme/male sub looking for another female sub, Female Domme/female sub looking for a male sub, Female Domme/female sub looking for a male Dom -- I think I would still recommend that the Domme take the lead.
UNICORN HUNTERS AREN’T CLEAR
The other issue with the unicorn hunters of the world is they don’t tend to be very clear. They don’t know what they want, so as a third trying to fit into that, you don’t know what’s expected of you.
I remember once being unicorn-hunted after matching with a woman on Bumble (this was back in 2016 before people had reached the consensus that Bumble was uncool). She showed me pictures of her boyfriend, then arranged a date and time to meet up. On the day we were supposed to meet, she casually mentioned that I would be joining them for a beer at a sports bar with a group of their friends. Was this a date? Did they want a new friend? Was this about having a threesome or becoming a throuple? And couldn’t she tell from my pictures that I was a Cuffed Jeans bisexual and not a Sports Bisexual? And how were they going to introduce me to their friends - “This is Lina, a token bi girl we found online!” Long story short, I didn’t go.
This is a refrain I hear often from queer women who feel unicorn hunters are just seeking a fun thrill to cure the boredom of a stale relationship. This leaves the third feeling more like an amusement park ride than a person, which at the end of the day is just a lesser known offshoot of objectification (the bad kind).
Enter: The D/s Threesome.
Mainstream vanilla expressions of sexuality tend to be intensely focused on equality. Sex is one of those two-stick popsicles to be divided evenly in half and shared with both partners. For example: in Vanilla Land, good sex means if one person gets oral sex, so does the other. Each person has a column, and each column must have an equal amount of tally marks in it.
And while this is technically possible to maintain with two people, when you add a third into the mix it all goes haywire. And while I’m sure someone has had an enjoyable threesome where everyone gets fucked for the exact same number of minutes and every act, touch, kiss, glance, and thought is divided perfectly into three — I find that the joy of threesomes lies in the messiness. The inequality. The fact that it can’t be exactly like one-on-one intimacy. Threesomes are not one-on-one-on-one. They’re something else entirely.
So in a vanilla situation, this lack of equal math makes the “even-steven” equality policy fall apart. In vanilla land, there is no safety without perfect equality split down the middle. But in D/s, there is.
As kinksters, we know that power can be exchanged between equals with total respect, and this will result in each getting different things. I think this equity approach (rather than perfect equality) gives us a leg up on threesomes too. Each person entering a threesome will get different things. The principal danger of a threesome lies in ignoring this fact.
So if you want to use your D/s structure to negotiate the contents of your threesome, these are my tips:
BE DISCERNING IN THE SEARCH
As you look for someone to play with, you’ll have to wade through a lot of bullshit. Just like when you and your Dom were looking for each other, not everyone will be right for you.
As a bi woman myself, I had an idealized version of what other female subs would be like. But not every single person my Dom matched with was a good fit for us. There was the woman who told my Dom she could only respect Him if he could execute a “take down” in their first scene together. There have been the many subs who didn’t want me there (no go). Then there have been more subtle shades of incompatibility, like those who felt uncomfortable with my chosen means of address for my Dom (Daddy), and felt the need to say they didn’t have daddy issues or want to be infantilized like *some* girls (with the heaviest side eye at my side of the table).
Then there have been the women who were newer to submission and required long, exhaustive monologues from me explaining why it was feminist and “allowed.” While I totally get where they are coming from, going to this place with a potential intimate partner feels a lot like being out of the closet and dating a closeted person. Regressing to a former version of myself with someone, even temporarily, is something I’m not comfortable with. I’ve fought hard to overcome my shame, and having it present in a situation as vulnerable as a threesome is a hard limit for me. But this is something I only figured out over time through trial and error.
You will find your own limits as you go, so my best advice is to remain curious about what they might be, rather than feeling disappointed in yourself when you learn you’re not ok with everything.
EQUALITY IN NEGOTIATION = HOT HOT INEQUALITY IN SCENE
Once you find somebody that’s reasonably game and informed, and chemistry has been established, then the specificity can begin!
Before the threesome, everyone should be encouraged to be extremely specific about what they want. In fact, I recommend that you and your Dom plot out hypothetically exactly what might happen in a first threesome with a new partner. Who can kiss/touch/go down on/fuck whom? Will any of these activities be reserved for when more trust has been built? Then share that exact outline with your third so she can be clear about what's happening and why, and be empowered with knowledge that will keep her feeling comfortable and safe. That way, she can negotiate her specific needs off of a common starting point, and you can avoid the fear of sub drop that might come from an unwelcome surprise.
IT’S NOT YOUR LAST NIGHT ON EARTH
Don’t treat your first threesome like your last threesome. It doesn’t have to be a once in a lifetime experience! If you’re thinking of it as your last shot at trying this out, it can put a lot of pressure on a new and daunting situation.
Instead, think about a sustainable approach to threesomes. Going slow, talking a lot, taking breaks, and check ins/aftercare interspersed throughout the scene all can signal safety to everyone and combat that pesky scarcity mentality. And all these things are likely to make the third feel safe and comfortable, which increases the chances that you can all try again.
THINK ABOUT THE OTHER SUB
In the case that the other woman you’re playing with is also a sub to your Dom, think of her as an ally rather than comparing yourself to her. If your Dom does impact or pain play with her, it’s possible that your most-hated thing will be her favorite thing.
For example, nipple clamps are a hard limit of mine. So when other subs love them, I have to consciously remind myself that their relationship to nipple pain doesn’t make them “better” than me, just different! But maybe there are limits of yours that you can’t even be in the same room with. Meditate on what those might be, and how to safe word in the case that one surprises you.
EMPHASIZE NON-VERBAL CHECK-INS & SAFE WORDS
In my experience, I can have a very hard time safe-wording out loud in a threesome situation. I get so concerned with the act of hosting, and about the other sub’s experience, that calling “red” on the whole thing can be daunting.
So my Dom and I have developed a system of catching each other’s eye throughout the scene. If I’m feeling left out, insecure, or like the vibe is off, I pull on my ear like that one scene in Garden State. It’s different than “red,” because it means “my jealousy is acting up — I don’t want to stop but I need You to keep an eye on me, and I’ll keep You informed if it gets worse.” Then a second ear pull leads to an aftercare moment for everyone where He explains to the other sub what’s going on, and makes space for me to communicate if I’m feeling up to it.
AFTERCARE!
Make aftercare fun for yourself. My new thing is whenever a sub is coming over to play, I take some time that day to bake something for all three of us to enjoy during aftercare. For me, the act of finding a special version of aftercare that is reserved only for threesomes helps me deal with what’s different between threesome aftercare and the more focused aftercare that happens one-on-one. I also like to get up and wrap myself in a blanket, or in the case that we’re all taking showers (due to an abundance of fluids) I treat myself to a nice long shampoo moment.
The point is - don’t measure threesome aftercare against one-on-one aftercare. You won’t getting the same amount of focus, but that can be ok. Co-regulating with a group is a different skill, and it may take time to develop the exact routine that works for you.
Just remember - threesomes are their own journey. And even if you're super experienced in kink, if you're new to threesomes it's going to be a whole new skill to develop. And it is ok to be a beginner! The process is half the fun, so don't miss it by being too focused on already being great at it, or knowing everything.
And if you’re looking for more info about the flip side of this experience, as a third seeking an enjoyable threesome, check out this episode of the ask a sub podcast!