The Ultimatum: Queer Chaos
what could go wrong with this insane premise
I’m having some summer burnout and as a result I’ve been sick on and off for the last entire calendar month. Thank fucking god there’s more Queer Ultimatum to keep me company on the couch.
In case you are unfamiliar, this is one of the more chaotic dating shows out there. I have a theory about dating shows, exemplified by the below graph:
In case you’re unfamiliar, dating, monogamy, and marriage are as serious as a heart attack on The Ultimatum. Contestants arrive with their longterm partners, and one person in each relationship has issued an ultimatum — either we get married or we move on. How do they figure out whether they want to be married? With trial marriages to the other partners brought on the show, of course! They pair off after a week of dates with their “trial wives,” then live with their original partners for three weeks, then in the season finale there’s a forced proposal or breakup on camera.
Ultimately, this show is bold enough to ask the question, “is NRE with a stranger more fun than your longterm relationship?” But also buys into the concept that if a relationship has come to an ultimatum that puts you on a reality show, that might be a healthy relationship worth saving. This is harder for me to get on board with. And then there’s this massive intensity about the “right” person and how important monogamy and marriage are. As though this is the only way to do relationships. Add this to a group with a propensity to get really intense really fast??
As it’s put in the season teaser, “lesbians are fucking brutal.”
I’m just live reacting to episodes 1-7 in this document as I watch so if that’s your tea read on… Supposedly this post is too long for email so you might need to read on the app/in a browser.
INITIAL IMPRESSIONS OF THE ORIGINAL COUPLES
BRITTANY AND AJ: I’m obsessed with how AJ’s baggage is that their parents’ marriage is too happy.
HALEY AND PILAR: Haley seems very nice but these two need to break up. Pilar needs to fuck around.
DAYNA AND MAGAN: I love a femme top/butch bottom combo. But is Dayna…. safe? She clearly has a side to her. It seems like she’s like Magan’s life coach and is pushing her to be a certain way that Dayna thinks is right without a lot of concern to where Magan is really at. At the same time, Dayna deserves to not be in the closet with their relationship. I just think these two might be fundamentally incompatible.
KYLE AND BRIDGET: Yeah, sure. I don’t know. Why can’t they just be polyamorous. They have the aesthetics already. If they’re not water signs I will eat my hat.
ASHLEY AND MARITA: Sweet, simple Ashley. Gentle, horny Marita. Do they deserve each other? Or should they indulge Marita’s “wondering eyes?”
MEL AND MARIA: I will go on to have absolutely no idea who either of their original partners are. I feel Mel’s forearm tattoo says it all: “and may the winds of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars.” So true.
DATING PERIOD
Chappell must be psyched to have ‘Hot To Go’ in this show. Love this.
Marita’s perfect date being a scavenger hunt is WILD. For me it’s 1 click away from April 25th.
“Mel is short for melodrama” I feel like the straights watching this show don’t tend to know how sensitive butches can be and I like this representation.
Pilar and Bridget are fun together but it seems obvious to me that they would fall into the Femme Friendship Trap if they keep seeing each other. THAT SAID - why aren’t Pilar, Bridget, and Kyle in a throuple?? What gives?? They could all go blow glass together!! Maybe it’s because Kyle doesn’t have the assertiveness to keep that show on the road.
AJ: “I bought a house [in Orlando]. Well… she bought the house.” 😬😬😬
The “Mel isn’t here for the right reasons” side plot makes no sense to me. Let Mel and her wet hair live.
If AJ doesn’t get on Marita’s curved finger I won’t know what to believe anymore.
Feminine prince!!
INITIAL IMPRESSIONS OF THE TRIAL MARRIAGES
The fact that Brittany was leftovers……………… there is no justice in this world. What the fuck. Everyone go home the show is cancelled. In the immortal words of Kevin Durant, “I’m gonna go outside and light myself on fire. What are we doing to our beautiful queens.” This heinous tragedy aside, here’s what I think.
DAYNA AND MEL: “I will push your food truck into the ocean” is WILD. As Mr. Dune yelled at the TV, Dayna has obviously ignited some kind of attachment trauma in Mel. This is not going anywhere good.
HALEY AND MAGAN: Really surprising how Magan went from not feeling a connection with anyone to being into Haley, but I think this could be really good for her.
PILAR AND KYLE: It kind of feels like Pilar is in love with Kyle’s aesthetics and I don’t know what Kyle is feeling.
AJ AND MARIE: Left field.
BRIDGET AND ASHLEY: Once again I have no idea what happened here.
BRITTANY AND MARITA: Have fun, ladies! Have a nice vacation in your grey apartment! I want romance for both of you but I think you’re gonna be good friends.
Overall it seems like people made safe choices that won’t challenge them too much. Or explosive choices that will melt things down.
TRIAL MARRIAGES
I have so much empathy for Marie processing a bunch of trauma for the first time while taking a break from everything. This “marriage” seems like a place for both of them to park and have a breather.
I think what we’ve learned from this is that Kyle is kind of a wet blanket. Everyone’s boundaries should be respected re: the make out of course but like… my friend, what are you doing on reality TV? Pilar is ready to go out dancing and explore and kiss and I want that for her! I hope this unusual sample experience doesn’t drive her back into monogamy out of fear.
Magan’s friends are the Orlando Gabby Windey and Robby Hoffman.
Not Bridget pulling a Ghost in this pottery class.
MAGAN AND HALEY FUCKED. This is what this Experience should be about. It should be a prerequisite!!!
Dayna and Mel’s codependent u-haul does not bode well for what is to come. When Dayna said “she’s been my support system for the last two weeks” I felt a whole body cringe. No surprise the phone convo with Magan went so, so badly in the very next scene. Dayna wants to fight. Maybe Magan is finding a backbone!! Mel was right about one thing: women named Dayna are trouble.
THE COCKTAIL HOUR & FALLOUT
As soon as Dayna started talking about Haley & Magan I was very side eye monkey. As was Kyle. When Marie asked Dayna whether it was her own brain playing tricks on her… I felt that. Believe women, ok. I don’t know what Magan said. But the extremity of the language here is reminding me a lot of people in my own life with BPD. We need to get Dayna some DBT therapy and quiet time to process some stuff.
This Mel vs Magan face off is so dark because Mel is wrapped up in Dayna’s shit and Magan has been set free. And now Mel’s trying to shame her for setting boundaries. “Just because I know she’s going through a hard time doesn’t mean I’m an enabler” - YES MAGAN!!! YES!! Get that as a side forearm tattoo!
LOVE seeing Marie stand up for herself in this seeming product placement for this red car. Kia Boundaries. Nissan Hard Truths. Hyundai Lesbians Are Brutal. There’s a new contender for pushing the food truck into the ocean, which frankly feels inevitable at this point.
“HOLDING EACH OTHER OR HUMPING EACH OTHER” All we want is to bro out with Magan and her bros. AMIRITE FELLAS. Seriously though Magan came in so nervous and now is confidently asking for accountability. Haley has been so good for her. “Don’t slander my wife.” IT’S SO CUTE AND HEALTHY.
Did I just hear Mel say ‘I Love You’ to Dayna????? Call the cops. THEY’RE GETTING TATTOOS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. This is beating the immediate nipple piercing from Season One for impulsivity. The letter written at 5 in the morning is so alarming. I would like to airlift Magan out before Dayna can wear her down again. Mel’s letter was wild too — “we were meant to save each other.” I am going to push this u-haul into the ocean.
Bridget & Ashley: “Let’s run away just the two of us with Marita’s car.” They’re trying to gaslight me with editing that these two are more than friends and they will not bait me.
It’s imperative to me to use toys because I let my shit swang.
-AJ
THE CHANGEOVER
Truly reality TV’s most rizzless host. Why don’t we have a queer up in this bitch. Alt Host Pitches: Gabby Windey, Melissa Ethridge, Gottmik, Mal Wright from last season (this is a serious one), Alan Cumming, Alan Cumming’s dog.
I love that Brittany’s oxtail Daddy side has changed things for Marita. Ashley is not giving.
PILAR BLOCKED HALEY!?!? Dude. They waited to drop this bomb. Damn. These femmes. They’re trying murder me.
Magan you’re not weird! You’re not bad! You’re just with the wrong Dayna!! Watching Dayna roll her eyes during this is so alarming. Like when she describes Haley as having her “claws in Magan” and the claws are…. thinking she’s a good person and deserves happiness?
Damn Mel was ready to GO in this intense, weird dynamic. It feels like Dayna is just trying to jab Magan with these comments about how deep her connection with Mel is. Like she has to attack. Just break up, guys!!
Haley definitely took her beta blockers before this round table. You hold true to you, girl!!
THIS SPOITFY SEX PLAYLIST REVEAL IS WATERGATE. GOT ‘EM.
Dayna to Magan: “This needs to be private.” Translation: “I need to separate you from the herd so I can weaken you and gaslight you for three weeks.”
“Now you’re going to see a vision of what married life could be with your original partners.”
The contestants:
THE RIDE HOME
When Ashley finds you to be emotionally immature we’re all in a bad place.
Kyle’s conflict aversion is gonna be impossible.
Love AJ and Brittany spooning immediately.
These side by side oxtail conversations are killing me.
BACK ON THE COUCH
How did Marie go from so pissed to capitulating to the person who has the matching tattoo with another woman?? Baby no!! I just feel like if Mel talks in this cadence then Marie feels she has to agree because Mel is being ‘reasonable.’ Marie seems far too sane to be with somebody who would pull the matching tattoo stunt.
Magan you need to walk the fuck out of this gray prison cell and never look back.
I’m deeply confused about Kyle’s framing of the kiss to Bridget. If it was nonconsensual why didn’t Kyle say that? I think we need to keep the east side LA gays safe in their original habitat going to Stud Country and doing Wiccan ceremonies in the Silver Lake meadows. They’re not built for this.
I really admire Haley for being honest about the sex. I think this pain might be for the best. Pilar needs to get out there. They both do!
Was AJ and Brittany’s rabbit here the whole time? Like the real mammal not a vibrator. Although… we never know what AJ is letting swang.
I’m gonna need them to stop pumping Marie full of stainless steel cups of alcohol and let her think. Why does she need to be putting in effort for someone who says “maybe marriage and kids wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.” Girl!!
Marita describing marriage:
That said, she deserves to get what she wants! These two are simply incompatible!
Very worried for Magan and also deeply amused that this conversation is happening in this t-shirt (a pot of chili with a cartoon face on it).
ohhh I watched 3 episodes in a row just last night!
at this stage I feel like maybe A.J and Britney might be the only ones to make it?? Which is such a surprise because A.J gave me serious player vibes at the start!
thank you for this! I can’t get enough queer ultimatum content. dayna is so stressful and mean spirited and youre right that she needs a quiet date with the DBT workbook. And also to stop being besties with her mum (puke).