Unicorn Hunters On Trial

that's it, you're all going to threesome jail

We are a couple looking to explore our sexuality with another woman. Pix on matching.

Couple looking for a 🦄. New to this.

We’re swiping together… catch our attention…

Looking for a petite & spicy girl to share my man

Seeking a female¹ to join us here and there for fun

We share everything!! CLEAN AND DISCREET!! NO DRAMA!!!

I’ve been back on Feeld for about a month and I’m losing my shit. Every morning I open my phone and find a like from E + M or whoever, a faceless couple drifting by on a pool floatie or intertwined at Burning Man, letting me know they saw me from across the app and liked my vibe despite the clear ‘no couples’ proclamation in my bio. The pix are often low res, overexposed, unflattering, and have not a single thing in them to inspire a conversation. The bios are often as above, focused on themselves and the fact that they’re looking for a “girl.” I want to reach through the phone and shake them — “who is this girl??" Why would she spend any time talking to people with no face and no info about themselves? What’s in it for her??”

A month ago I would have said all desires are valid and everyone has a right to pursue their joy. But I have been worn down by the parade of faceless profiles so I’m just going to come out and say that 90% of these clowns have absolutely no business whatsoever having group sex. Not because the concept of an FFM threesome is ‘inherently’ ‘problematic’ (I do not believe this). And not simply because they’re objectifying these potential women. But because these repetitive, boring profiles show not just a lack of generosity (no face, no details), but a lack of empathy. If you’re only here to extract, where is this mystery woman supposed to even begin?

Having the tactile experience of swiping notifications from these people off my home screen is putting my high-minded sex positive morals to the test. And if I’m honest with myself? I really don’t think just anyone should get to have a threesome! Maybe most couples aren’t qualified! If I’m going to get even more spicy and cancellable, I’m gonna go ahead and say if you’re a lady calling herself ‘heteroflexible’ I’m gonna need you to take a hard look at why you’re considering this at all, and as the straight man partnered to that woman I’d like you to ask yourself why you think you need to put her through this.

I know Feeld began as 3ndr (is that how they spelled it?) so it explicitly has a history for being for this exact purpose, but I don’t think that gives blanket validity to this concept. Taking a deep breath and naming five things I can see, four things I can hear, etc, I can admit I feel this way not in spite of but because of the sheer volume of threesomes I’ve been a part of at this point. And not all people looking to have a threesome are doing something wrong! There are so many couples I see who are doing it in a really mindful and sweet way. Others are beacons for hurt feelings and low levels of communication. Ok, clearing my throat and taking a deep breath, let me organize my thoughts…

THREESOME SEEKERS VS UNICORN HUNTERS

We had a cultural conversation a couple years ago now defining the term ‘unicorn hunter’ and mutually agreeing there is a problematic strain of person on the apps looking for a ‘unicorn’ (usually a bi woman who wants to be in a throuple or casual situation with a couple, so named because finding one where the chemistry works with all parties is so rare). The ‘hunting’ part is when the couple objectifies this woman for sexual purposes and doesn’t consider her whole humanity. Basically she’s a blowup doll with no interior world only there to satisfy the man, or express only the non-threatening aspects of the woman’s queerness.

As a lot of things do on the internet, this argument got compressed into ‘all FFM threesomes are problematic.’ I fielded a lot of that back in 2019/2020 when I was open on Instagram about my experience with FFM threesomes, and a lot of strangers were keen to let me know I was only doing this for the male gaze. People were also bold enough to inform me that I had to have MMF threesomes to balance things out, even though my husband isn’t queer and my general reaction to the thought of sex with a man I don’t know is to start screaming and sprint at high speed to the nearest body of water to Virgina Woolf myself. The funny thing about this prescription of doing MMF to counterbalance the ‘problematic’ nature of FFM, is it’s equally objectifying to that mystery man. Who is this man who wants to have sex with two people who aren’t interested in MMF? Why are men promising a greater level of validity to my sexual identity as a queer woman? Why do I need to be airtight with dick to be a valid feminist?²

So what separates a unicorn hunter from a FFM threesome seeker not bearing ill intent? To be fair, I think we all need to do ongoing work to deconstruct problematic notions about sapphic sexuality, which includes the specific sapphics in the arrangement. But as far as the apps go, there are the objectifying and uninterrogated weirdo bios like above, and then there are sweetie pies saying things like how they want to take their time to get to know people, are honest about their experience levels, and genuinely game to communicate and discuss what’s on the table. It really boils down to empathy — do you have the capacity to put yourself into the shoes of someone coming into your home and relationship enough to make her comfortable, or are you expecting her to doula you outside your comfort zone? Will you treat her as a trespasser or a guest? Is she just a pair of boobs³ to you or does she have a heart beneath them that you’re going to respect and care for to the degree that she is willing?

MY PERSONAL ICK ABOUT SWINGERS

Here’s some inside baseball I’m sure a certain percentage of my ~10,000 person readership here doesn’t know — people in the BDSM community tend to have an ick about swingers. If they come up in conversation, it’s one of those things we sidle up to, like “…what do you think about them? 👀👀👀👀👀👀” Painting with a broad brush, I think people expect swingers and kinksters to be in the same category, even in cahoots, especially since swingers liberally use the word ‘kinky’ to describe themselves, but the community ethea (I learned today this is the plural of ethos) could not be more diametrically opposed. Generalizing, swingers tend to be all about ‘fun’ and ‘discretion,’ while BDSM adherents are firm believers in extensive communication and safety. Swingers’ group play is often focused on swapping according to heterosexual norms, while BDSM is teeming with queers. BDSM is an inherently and historically queer practice (more on that at the link below), and swinging is very… not. Swinging is a lot more prevalent in socially conservative/republican communities⁴ and its mores reflect that, while BDSMers’ politics tend to be aggressively leftist. Therefore, we get a little spicy about them using the word ‘kink’ to brand themselves and their parties. By the strictest definition of what is kinky (anything outside the norms of vanilla sex), they do qualify. But we’re salty about it because things can get emotionally explosive over there real fast.⁵

So when it comes to threesome seeking, I have a bias around swingers because I’ve only ever had D/s threesomes where everything is communicated to the best of our abilities and we’re using the tenets of RACK for both physical risk but also emotional risk. I am not perfect by any means, but I think striving towards a safer environment using deliberate negotiation is essential for this potentially volatile situation. But if you see the other F in the FFM as a prop, it’s hard to plan for the myriad ways people need safety in case of emergency, or even to create the baseline trust required for group play to be fun. Due to all this, I’m at five alarm level spice when I see swingers unicorn hunting and using the word kink but not telegraphing that they’re going to do any of this work. It’s giving stolen valor. Maybe I’m being snooty. Sorry. But also not.

UNICORNS ARE PEOPLE

So if we’re going to get on the same page about thirds being complex human beings with their own wants and needs, what’s in it for them?

Over 7 years of having D/s threesomes with a variety of people, I think those that get the most out of what we have on offer fit into a few categories. First is the busy career girl who likes a regular thing with no relationship escalator. We were blessed to have a dynamic like this with a woman who became a good friend for four years before we amicably parted ways when she moved out of town. We exchanged gifts at holidays, for birthdays, and after trips. I have a candle she gave me burning beside me right now. We saw her 1-2 times per month for a casual but connected scene, and everything was super clear and easy. It was a beneficial situation for her in a lot of ways. For a time she was busy at night doing fun field trips with her local ANTIFA chapter (swoon). Later she got really into ballroom dancing and didn’t want to sleep with anyone in that tight-knit community. It was great for her.

The second type of person we encounter is women who want to explore their kinks/queerness in a safe sandbox free of judgement where, again, they aren’t expected to mount the relationship escalator. They get to feel out what they like in a Dom, what they’re looking for, and where their interests/boundaries lie if they’re newer to kink. A lot of times these women go on to seek out primary Dom partners and have to leave our safe nest. I love thinking we may have left them better than we found them, with good self-advocacy skills to take into the rest of their dating lives.

The secret third kind of third is the one for whom I/we catch feelings. In my experience, despite my best efforts, this can be abjectly painful, as monogamy-normative culture doesn’t provide the most durable roadmap for how to make this work. I still have hope in my heart that this kind of connection is possible and out there for us someday, but we’ve yet to land the plane.

As I move into my thirties, my wishlist for thirds has become more specific. My therapist is adamant that a mom, single or otherwise, would be a great match because they tend to be more specific about and respectful of time commitments. Another reason is they have enough life experience to have a deeper empathy for the vulnerability we’re putting out there as a couple. I also like meeting poly people who have primary partners and are on the verge of saturation. Again, I’d also love a deeper emotional connection and someone I can invite into other areas of my life, but this tends to be super delicate.

UNICORN PRIVILEGE

I don’t know where this piece of the discussion belongs but it’s a more sensitive needle to thread than couple’s privilege. There’s a lot of discussion out there about couple’s privilege in threesome dynamics. As a third we were seeing once put it, “if we break up, you guys have each other, and I’m all alone.” I don’t think I need to spell out why couples hold a lot of power in this situation. I trust you all to figure this out.

What’s discussed less is the privilege the thirds carry, which exists and I think needs to be equally counterbalanced for. As the guest stars, they tend to be afforded more grace around emotional vacillation, canceling plans, and hyper focus on their own experiences (fair). It’s often hard for the third to be empathetic towards what conversations and negotiations may be happening in the primary relationship to make them comfortable. In the worst cases, I’ve felt like our relationship is treated as an experience, a fun tourist destination on the way to something more ‘real,’ and my feelings get bruised in the process. This is part of what we risk in any relationship and I’m not naive about that, but being in a primary relationship doesn’t protect me from pain in the threesome dynamic. It’s apples and oranges.

The most responsible unicorns make it their mission to initiate spontaneous negotiation and discussion of needs, desires, and boundaries. Nothing crazy, just a recognition of their place in the dynamic. It’s vital for thirds to claim their power as equals in the situation to make play safe for everybody, because how else is the couple supposed to make it safe and good for them, and not get out over their own skis emotionally? Is this the same level of responsibility the couple must bring to the arrangement? No, but it’s definitely a third of it. 😏

TOWARDS A BETTER FFM

What is the opposite of unicorn hunting? Unicorn seducing? Brushing their pretty unicorn manes and boarding them like the fancy Arabian show horses they are? How can you be sure your FFM practice is a kind and respectful one?

I can only speak for myself, but there are a few practices I’ve tried to curate in my own relationship that tend to work pretty well:

• Extreme clarity from the outset: the couple needs to be extremely clear with themselves around expectations and exactly what will happen, and communicate that with the third. The worst threesomes happen when a couple is unclear about boundaries, and someone transgresses one in the scene, and the couple freaks out and throws the third out onto the street. Set up safe words for jealousy that slow down or pause things, take it slow, and be realistic about how far and how fast you’ll go each time.

• Emotional honesty: my very first threesome was a very mixed bag emotionally. If I am totally honest with myself, there was a feeling of jealousy/competition with the other woman and I wasn’t a particularly generous host. I think now if feelings are murky like this, it’s ideal to take more time negotiating and spending time together before jumping into bed. I really wish I’d done this with that person and feel a lot of remorse about it. Giving myself grace, I have to ask how else we’re supposed to learn something society gives us little to no roadmap for. This is definitely part of why I’ve dedicated my career to being something of a relationship cartographer.

• Challenge your scarcity mindset: in kinky and ENM dating, our pool gets noticeably smaller. When you’re looking for something hyperspecific and want to enjoy the person on an interpersonal level, the pool gets even smaller. To quote Enid Frick from Sex And The City, it’s a wading pool, really. So it’s easy to become pessimistic and try to force it when the match is a little off. Over time, this reinforces the idea that better connections are scare. And then you’re making impulsive choices based on that perception.
  
  I’m fresh off a breakup with a third that has me questioning whether we’ll ever find somebody again. I have to remind myself that this will pass and happiness is always on the horizon for those who remain open to it. That dynamic taught me a lot about what to look for in the next person. And as I always like to remind people, new people are entering the kinky dating pool all the time. It may be small, but it’s well-filtered.

me @ the unicorn hunters

• Have fun: ask the third what she wants out of the experience, ask yourself how this fresh energy can challenge and deepen your existing practice. Remember what’s great about your relationship through the eyes of someone new. Remember this is supposed to be fun!! After you set it up safely, of course :)

Threesomes are like all sex, in that they can be awkward, painful, or transcendent. At their best they’re a mystical space of self discovery, empathy, and depth of emotion. Also I get to be railed from the back while making out with a beautiful woman. Hot? Yes. But also spiritual. So it’s an undertaking that, imo, deserves a lot of consciousness.

tl;dr - work on yourself before bringing somebody else into your shit. The results will meet you with as much generosity as you put in.

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Got a question for me? Submit it to the Ask A Sub podcast by recording a voice memo and emailing it to podcast@askasub.com.

1. Loved this post on why ‘female’ as a noun is offensive:

2. Sometimes I find being shocking is helpful to illustrate this point. This doesn’t mean I think all men have biological penises. That would be ridiculous.

3. Once again, gender is not stored in the boobs. But you know what I’m saying.

4. Shoutout to my friend who I won’t name who, for the fuck of it, was the bull for a swinger couple where the man was a cop. Cucking the police… is it praxis?

5. See also: MomTok may not survive this.