Did you come of age in the era where Rom Coms convinced you most girlies would end up with well-paying glossy magazine jobs? Do you remember frosted tips and puka shell necklaces? Trojan fire and ice condoms perhaps? Well then you, like me, were probably irrevocably altered by reading a cosmo quiz in the built-in Starbucks of a Barnes and Noble.
I miss the blind confidence of Cosmo articles instructing you to switch it up in bed by giving oral with ice cubes in your mouth or by eating a donut off of someone’s penis (There was always a weird amount of food stuff? In a magazine obsessed with perpetuating fucked up body standards?? Perhaps the underlying kink there is one of eating as an answer to the deprivation culture on the magazine’s other pages? Anyway, that’s an article for another time.) Regardless, I miss the version of myself that could be defined and diagnosed by a short quiz. So in the spirit of that semi-masochistic nostalgia, I’ve composed a very simplistic sub archetype quiz in the style of Cosmo. Maybe it will inspire something in you.