Why The Girls Want To Look At The Gays
Heated Rivalry, Blowjob Foley, and the one way mirror of Yaoi
I am blessed with a bestie who is a connoisseur of gay content.
They introduced me to Queer As Folk back in the day. They sent me links to watch SKAM (the occasionally gay, Norwegian Skins) on Google Drive as it was airing in 2015. Currently they’re deeply into homoerotic omegaverse k-pop fan fiction and Thai BLs1. My friend is not a girl, but they keep me posted on the Yaoi2 hysteria, and the many girls/women who are fans of the genre, be it through tracking the subtle gestures of beautiful boys in the same k-pop band, or learning the basics of hockey to keep up with Heated Rivalry3, now airing on HBO Max.
So when we sat down on Sunday to binge the three episodes that were already out, I knew we were settling right into our wheelhouse. Of course, we’d seen Red, White, and Royal Blue together, and Call Me By Your Name in an early screening, so I knew what I was getting into. But Heated Rivalry kind of blew me away (no pun intended) with how graphic the sex was. It puts a complication in what a lot of people think the appeal is for the female4 gaze on gay romance.
In the years of Love, Simon et cetera, the public understood this soft gay content was checking off a representation box. Women’s enjoyment of it, in the mainstream, was understood to be centered on that romance. Maybe, a casual observer may have opined, the women consuming gay content really just wanted to experience men as gentle, open-hearted, and vulnerable: a fantasy to heal the wounds of dealing with heterosexual dudes. But as the content gets more sexually graphic, the female fan base meets it with more exuberance. And sometimes that exuberance can lead to unexpected learning experiences. Famously, a sex scene in Red, White and Royal Blue surprised certain straight female viewers because the protagonists have anal sex in the missionary position, and a lot of people on Twitter didn’t seem to know this was anatomically possible.
But here’s the thing about the average Yaoi fan. Whether or not they understand the ergonomics of anal sex, they’re not here for soft and gentle courtship. They’re sickos. This spirit is in tact in Japanese, as fans of the genre call themselves “fujoshi” (腐女子) or “rotten girls.” Consumption of this material is playfully in diametric opposition to being a respectable girl, and fans reclaimed the pejorative term to celebrate the deviousness of their interest. English language BL content, as it makes it to the screen, is often soft, but this isn’t necessarily a representation of what the English-speaking fujoshi want. The hallowed halls of Archive of Our Own feature erotic fan fiction that would make even the scariest Daddy Bear at your local Eagle squeal in shock. So what I’m saying is, Heated Rivalry seems to finally be coming up to par with what the female gaze wants from these gays.
But why are we looking? And what are we looking for?
I always think of this one scene from The Kids Are Alright (2010). Annette Benning and Julianne Moore play a married lesbian couple whose teenaged children want to connect with their sperm donor (Mark Ruffalo). As a side plot, their son played by Josh Hutcherson finds their stash of gay porn. They think he’s gotten his hands on it because he’s gay, and they gather around the kitchen island to make a safe space for him to tell them anything. He says he has more of a question for them than anything to reveal about himself:
Josh: Why do you guys watch gay man porn?
Julianne Moore: Well, sweetie, human sexuality is complicated and sometimes desire can be counterintuitive. You know, for example, because women’s sexual responsiveness is internalized, sometimes it’s exciting for us to see responsiveness externalized. Like… like with a penis.
I can absolutely relate to this. Other sources reporting on this phenomenon cite Yaoi lovers being able to “remove themselves from the situation” as a major draw, something my bestie echoed when I asked them to comment on their passion for the genre:
I love BL content because first and foremost, I’m attracted to men and I like to watch hot men make out. Especially as a k-pop fan, I like to imagine my favorite k-pop boys Being Put in Gay Situations. Also, as an AFAB non-binary person, I appreciate when I can completely remove myself from the situation. There’s no stand-in for me in the relationship, and I can watch it with very little baggage. Also, a large majority of BL is written by women, and they write their male leads with characteristics that I wish men in real life had.
I also consulted a cis lesbian friend who was on the Heated Rivalry train early, and is well-known for her consumption of all things boy-on-boy:
I have been horny for boys kissing since before I knew that I was allowed to touch myself. Degrassi, Luke and Noah on As The World Turns, and of course Queer as Folk were my starter Yaois. As soon as YouTube existed I was using it to look up “gay kissing.”
I love pornography so much but pornography stresses me out. My brain system won’t let me enjoy the horny parts without going through a million “approval” questions about if what I’m watching was safe and enjoyable for the performers and what it means about me that I’m aroused by it.
Scripted, fictional boy-on-boy experiences cut through a lot of that noise. There is a safety created and because of my experience as a lesbian I don’t have my own sexual baggage to compare it to.
It’s fascinating that in this situation, in diametric opposition to the representation adage ‘you have to see it to be it,’ viewers of Yaoi cannot be what they see. That’s part of it. In this way, Yaoi is not about representation. All Of Us Strangers is about representation. Fire Island and Bros and Looking were about representation. Yaoi is its own genre with its own tropes, tropes that occasionally render gay relationships unrecognizable to your average practicing homosexual adult man. Personally, I’m kind of obsessed with what these stories have to do to make gay male sex fit into boxes that still somewhat pattern after heteronormative courting rituals. In short, gay men in real life don’t face a lot of obstacles to getting laid. Yes, there is stigma, but coming out and getting your dick sucked in a public bathroom are different issues entirely. But because this kind of serialized cruising is kind of plotless, Yaoi must create barriers.
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But as Heated Rivalry is being executive produced by Jacob Tierney, a gay man, it’s trying to have its representation cake and eat ass too (lock me up). Myriad choices have been made through production to make this show filthy: from the gratuitous nudity, to the pacing of the fucking, to the sloppy blowjob noises that had to be put in in post production (reminder: they’re not really slurpin’ onscreen!) But still, the opening episodes track hockey rivals Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov through years — YEARS — between hookups. That’s right, these men are often in the same city, and they want to fuck, have even fucked before, but…. they don’t. There’s a lot of playful sexting, so what’s the hold up? The hold up, seemingly, is that Shane can’t read the signs that Ilya is flirting with him. Which really can only be read as the introduction of neurodivergence for the express purpose of slowing down the fucking.
The trope of the hesitant and awkward man is as ancient as reliable as Mr. Darcy, and is a classic in creating more plot points between nervous eye contact and penetration. But in today’s world of increasing sex positivity, is the Neurodivergent King a new5 aspirational figure upon whom to have a crush? Do the Yaoi fans see in him a respectful partner who’s not finessing them with game-playing or mixed signals? The gays in this content were already unattainable, does the autistic rizz just ice the unavailable cake?
Whatever the answer, I look forward to watching this next Pokemon evolution of the boys kissing genre, and eagerly await whatever sweaty forearm-tensing is to come in tomorrow’s episode. My bestie concurs:
I love Heated Rivalry because despite how silly some of the tropes are, it’s legitimately the most unflinching expression of gay eroticism that I’ve personally witnessed since Queer as Folk. And the sphericality of their butts is truly remarkable.
Let’s all enjoy one last look shall we?
More articles about films and TV can be found in my ‘I like to watch’ tag, and below…
Boy Love dramas
A Japanese term for content made by women for women about gay male relationships.
Almost zero hockey knowledge is required. I have none.
I’m BROADLY generalizing here, and know Yaoi is consumed and produced by queer people and many types of non-men not just cis women. But, you know.
Members of the BDSM community would argue that this is far from new - neurodivergent rizz is well-loved and thirsted for among our ranks
So interesting! I’m a gay guy, and I’ve always been fascinated by the female fascination with gay sex. This is illuminating.
I'm the opposite of your bestie - I want to imagine myself involved in, rather than removed from, the situation 😂 Men are hot, threesomes are hot, it's all hot 🥵