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Hi Lina,
I am quite a newbie and probably more “Daddy" than "dom.” One thing I understand less and less the more I think about it is why is "topping from the bottom" bad apart from the obvious cases (captive: “release me!” guard: “okay”)?
Maybe the question is more "what is topping from the bottom.” I am always responding to the signals I receive from the sub after all, and that is good and right (and important part of the fun). I am curious how a sub sees it.
All the best to you.
When this advice-seeker said “topping from the bottom” makes less and less sense the more they think about it, I said aloud “you and me both, partner.” And that’s how I knew I had to write this. Laugh cry. Emphasis on the cry.
So a lot of subs will reach me and they will know two things about submission: that they want to do it, and that “topping from the bottom” is bad. People will know about topping from the bottom before they know what RACK means (“risk aware consensual kink”). They’ll know about topping from the bottom before they know about soft limits. This is very alarming to be on the receiving end of, and I know exactly who to blame.
When you google anything BDSM related (at least in the US) it’s common to find yourself on very cis-centric, heteronormative BDSM blogs that are very invested in the idea that “women” are “subs” and “men” are “Doms” (can you imagine me across the brunch table doing emphatic air quotes at you while the next table turns to stare at us? Good, then you’re getting a portrait of what I’m usually doing on a Sunday morning).
These blogs tend to scare would-be subs about “topping from the bottom” because this cardinal sin falls into the category of assertiveness. Assertiveness from “female” “subs” to their “male” “Doms,” which does not fall in line with the gender norms these people are trying to use BDSM to enforce. And with that comes the connotation that topping from the bottom is somehow dangerous, because a male Dom enduring a bruised ego is the worst thing they can imagine.
Jesus I woke up on the spicy side of the bed today.
But it pisses me off for a couple reasons. Number one, and most important, it leaves subs confused about whether they can advocate for themselves. Which is dangerous for new subs who are just finding their footing. Number two, it pigeonholes Doms into this fragile misogynistic mindset, which as we know is very unfair to good Doms who use the tools of BDSM to transcend these expectations (like the person who wrote in inspiring this piece!)
And number three, it’s logically inconsistent with how real BDSM works.
So let’s follow this topping from the bottom fever dream as it’s presented to us in the blogs/on KinkTok/any other source of BDSM information I’ve made it my actual literal business to side-eye.
In this scenario, a Dom is directing a scene, and the sub starts telling them what to do. And the Dom doesn’t like this. Ok, and?? Assuming that sub isn’t calling their safe words, or asking for a break, or asking to modify positions, or asking for something they want, or any other reasonable thing which is well within a sub’s rights to ask— assuming they’re just commanding the Dom and telling them what to do in a way the Dom would prefer not to — in responsible BDSM, that Dom’s next move is to say “I’m the one guiding this scene, thank you for your input I’ll take it into consideration, now shut it while I beat the consensual daylights out of you” (or whatever would be a cute way of redirecting the flow in this particular dynamic, to which the sub can always respond with safe words) That’s to say that when a Dom encounters topping from the bottom, that should trigger a negotiation moment to clarify both parties’ expectations from this dynamic.
When I hear people spouting off about subs topping from the bottom I’m hearing two things:
They might be insecure Doms who feel threatened by a sub’s basic feedback on a scene.
They don’t understand that BDSM is a collaborative experience between complementary equals.
Ok, so let’s pivot and assume that there is a scenario, however rare, where a sub starts “topping from the bottom” in a way that we can all agree is kind of upsetting the power dynamic of Dom and sub (again, not calling their safe word, requesting a change of pace, expressing desires, having limits, giving feedback etc) and instead is telling the Dom what to do. Sounds like this particular sub is a power bottom and needs to go out in search of a service top. Or maybe they’re a brat in need of a satisfying bratting set-up that meets everyone’s needs (more on how to cultivate that here). We’re not learning this person is a bad sub, we’re learning that these two people are maybe not a complementary match for each other. No hard feelings. Maybe everyone in this situation is learning a lesson about how to specifically negotiate the things they really want.
Is someone DYING? Is this an EMERGENCY? No. You know what is? Subs feeling like they can’t advocate for themselves in a scene.
All this said, BDSM is a practice that is built on the quicksand of soft skills. It all relies on communicating with the people you’re playing with to get on the same page. So if you are a Dom that is concerned about topping from the bottom, or have experienced a type of sub that wasn’t your cup of tea, use that anecdote with future play partners as an example of what does or doesn’t work for you. Easy!
And subs, if you’re concerned about topping from the bottom, bring this up in negotiation with potential Doms. Ask them what they think topping from the bottom means. If you have specific things you’d like to do and are worried they might fall under this umbrella, bring them up and ask what your partner thinks! If you’re into bratting, make sure to negotiate this upfront rather than introducing an unexpected atmosphere of conflict the Dom might not be prepared for.
But for the record, asking for what you want, giving feedback, using safe words and anything else in this department are NEVER topping from the bottom. Especially if you ask nicely :)
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