Discover more from ask a sub
This piece originally appeared on the Ask A Sub Patreon in March of 2022. To gain access to the whole archive of over 250 posts and advice columns, join my Patreon here.
As some of you know, Mr. Dune and I have made a practice out of playing with other subs pretty much since the beginning of our dynamic together. I’ve written and spoken at length elsewhere about how to do this from the couple’s side (long story short: communicate, get your shit together, and treat thirds like people). But since I’ve been in the unique position of being a sub who has been on many dates with other subs, I’d like to share what it’s like to date subs from a sub’s perspective.
Dating as a sub is a lot!! We are inundated with fake Doms, we are fighting for our safety at every turn, and we’re always asking ourselves the Eternal Question of “do I like this person or have my standards been lowered by the endless barrage of dating app bullshit?” So when we finally come upon somebody we might be excited about, it can be hard to know what to do. Moreover, subs are in a strange position on dates — we haven’t yet agreed to a dynamic but want to come off as subby, so we can twist ourselves in knots trying to thread that needle. But twist no more! Here are some signs I look for in a fellow sub to put me at ease and be excited about exploring a dynamic with them.
A good sub can…
SHARE THE CONVERSATIONAL LABOR
Good Doms do a lot of work on dates. They’re actively listening, they’re asking questions, they’re trying to get through a long list of topics and issues to touch on to make sure the sub feels heard. And you would be shocked at the number of subs I’ve seen sit there during this process only offering clipped answers to the questions being asked and doing no conversational work in return.
This could be nerves, but it could also be a misunderstanding of D/s dating protocol. That is to say, all dynamics are different and all Doms are different, but I think until you’ve negotiated a dynamic with someone where you have been explicitly told to only speak when spoken to, there’s no reason to hold yourself back, especially when getting to know people! So how to counteract the impulse to go mute? Come up with a list of questions before the date that you ask everybody, beyond the usual “where are you from” and “what got you into D/s?” Here are some ideas:
“What movie are you convinced is secretly kinky?”
“Do you think kinksters are born or made?”
“Have you seen Love and Leashes yet?”
Make it fun! Say you ask these on every date for anthropological research! Maybe this is my Gemini Venus talking but getting off topic on a date like this can help build trust and reciprocity that the usual kink FAQ can't get you.
Another pet peeve of mine is when we near the end of a discussion about kink (after getting to know each other of course), and we ask the sub if she has any questions for us. When we get a “no,” and a shrug, however pleasant, it can feel like being dismissed. It’s possible in these situations that the chemistry isn’t right or she is genuinely uninterested, but more often than not the same people who don’t have any questions are still eager to advance to the play stage. So if you’re interested, show it by leaning in, not shrugging off!
SHARE ABOUT PAST EXPERIENCES
I think it’s really important in D/s dating to be open about past experiences, but this can be daunting when Vanilla Culture mandates that you never talk about past experiences. According to Vanilla cultural mores (as I understand them), you’re basically supposed to pretend you dropped out of the sky and have never had sex let alone an ex until probably month three of a relationship and even then the playbook is very unclear.
So how to counteract this conditioning when a Dom asks you about past experiences? Pick a few anecdotes that you tell with a purpose. For me, I always point to an ex of mine who would do degradation play with me without aftercare, and this caused me to have an upset stomach every time we played. I share this with new submissive partners as a way of opening a conversation about aftercare, and letting them know they will be heard if they find their preferences and needs changing over the course of our play together.
So if you have a story about a past experience, even in a vanilla relationship, it can be helpful to share it if it has a lesson embedded in it. A tip someone taught me about being interviewed is to take each question and use it to say what you really want to say, whether it fully pertains or not. You can do this on dates too — when talking about past experience, use it as an opportunity to wedge in something about your preferences, limits, or backstory.
I also like to share about kinks my Dom had that I was hesitant to try, like caging and confinement. I like to explain that when He brought this up, it took me some time to understand how He would want me to feel while caged (kept safe and taken care of) as opposed to how I thought caging was meant to be experienced (as a form of humiliation), so that always dovetails nicely into a discussion about trying new things, and negotiating the feelings behind kinks as we discover them. Your version of this might be to say “I discovered I liked hair pulling when it was done properly” or “I thought I liked spanking while sex acts were happening but I actually only want it in a designated impact scene” or whatever thing you’ve learned about yourself as you've gone along. Alternatively, you can say you have less experience irl but detail some of your fantasies. There are no wrong answers, especially when you’re talking to a Dom that is actually invested in your safety and enjoyment of the dynamic.
PROACTIVELY DISCUSS SAFETY
Speaking of safety, what are your birth control preferences? What are your barrier method preferences? How often do you get tested? Do you take PrEP? Have you had the HPV vaccine? Will you test before the first scene? If sex is on the table I don’t think anyone should leave a date without knowing these things about each other. In fact, negotiate whether sex is part of this for you. It isn't for some people and that's perfectly desirable and awesome! But no one will know until they know. You would be shocked at how many dates I come away from and realize I don’t know if the person is on birth control if any, even though we usually cover testing and STI status.
Beyond this, you want to come into a date with an understanding of safe words. When a sub is conversant about the purpose of safe words, even if they’ve never played with them before, that always puts me at ease. More about safe words here.
REFRAIN FROM KINK SHAME
Before going out on a date, Mr. Dune and I try to front load as much information about our dynamic as possible over text/DM. This is just to save time for everyone involved, but also because we’ve been burned by kink shaming on enough dates that it has become a necessity. We use “Daddy” as the means of address for Him, and this has been a dealbreaker for a number of subs. That’s fine, but what’s not fair or kind is having a limit and then talking at length about why you’re not “that kind of sub” and how “age play is fine for other people I guess but I could never do it,” that kind of thing (P.S. this means of address does not always connote that age play is happening). Sharing your kinks is vulnerable, and there’s no reason to belabor a limit with endless explanations. A simple “that’s a limit for me” works. But even better would be to try to bring up absolute dealbreakers before meeting, especially if you know something is going to be such a big deal you can’t get out of a discussion about it without writhing in discomfort!
I think nowadays we sometimes forget the wisdom of "your kink is not my kink but your kink is ok." So be prepared to hear about stuff you've never considered on dates, and use the golden rule. How would you want to be treated if you shared a kink? Probably with patience and warmth. Doms are not exempt from this. Unless they are genuinely making you feel unsafe, but that's a different post!
SEE THE DOM AS A PERSON
Doms are people too! Here are some questions I think subs don't ask them enough:
“What are some bad experiences you’ve had as a Dom?”
“What helps you to feel safe with a new partner?”
“What are your limits?”
“What are your aftercare needs?”
These questions work double duty because an unsafe Dom will freeze in their tracks when asked these questions, because their perception of Dominance lacks nuance or completely misunderstands the premise of consensual power play (No feelings! No vulnerability! No responsibility!). Real Doms, however, will have thoughtful answers to these questions that will help you to get to know them better. Win-win!
If you enjoyed this post please consider leaving a like or a comment. It’s an easy and free way to support this publication.
None of this free content would be possible without the kind support of the sexy, smart folks who have chosen to subscribe to the paid side of this substack or to Patreon.
If you’d like to receive special content such as monthly hour-long Deep Dive interviews with experts across the kink and alternative sexuality worlds, as well as monthly premium written posts, upgrade your membership here. For a preview of everything you’ll get instant access to, go here.
Check out my online courses:
Conscious Kink - Build Your Own D/s Dynamic
Sub Survival Guide - Learn How To Make Your Submissive Fantasies A Reality
Got a question for me? Submit it to the Ask A Sub podcast by recording a voice memo and emailing it to podcast@askasub.com.
Subscribe to ask a sub
bound at the intersection of vulnerability and abject horniness